10/4/2025
i fucking hate having this disorder.
i hate it so fucking much because i wish i could have a stable identity like everyone else. i so so so wish i could just go by one name pronouns sexuality have consistent interests have consistent favorite foods have anything be consistent its so exhausting just existing.
one day i think im fine with the disorder and oops no that was someone else and i have that stupid ass eye opening 'oh god this is me right now.' i wasnt "me" for months and it sucks it fucking sucks so much
i thought i would be happier when even [redacted] and [redacted but professional] said holy shit yeah you have a dissociative identity disorder i thought everything would fall into place and i guess it has but it hasnt made the confusion any less confusing. it just makes me wish i didnt have this disorder
and yeah im selfish i dont care im sorry i love my alters but i wish we were normal sometimes. im grieving being normal because this stupid disorder affects everything in our life. i thought i knew who "i" was for months yeah no like i said earlier that wasnt.
im happy some of us can find peace in this disorder but i cant and i dont know what to do. i have a name i guess but then it changes and when i come back i feel guilty for asking others to refer to me as my name again. i feel like a burden i guess.
i dont know. i dont know anything ever. ill probably have conflicting feelings on this again tomorrow because guess what an identity disorder does!!! disorders the identity.
whatever
- aki (or tord. to some)
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