7/27/2025
holy shit lets make this quick im here although ive technically been here always but god im like here for reals and im prolly not here for long since im putting us to bed soon goddammit. co-consciousness is so weird oh my god. hi im the other host, used to be the only one. 99% of people out of the system know me cuz of how inactive everyone else used to be. we're trying to be better at the whole being a system thing.
to be perfectly clear cuz your self proclaimed "leader" isn't ever and i PRAY this post stays up do not fucking delete any of this i trust maybe two of you bastards: we are the house arrest system, an osdd1b system. we experience little to no amnesia excluding emotional amnesia when switching. we started suspecting back in 2021 because of an instagram mutual who got medically diagnosed with DID. we went through .... a lot of additional labels identity or otherwise and eventually realized oh holy shit im not One Guy but i am??? but we arent. as the others often describe, we all semi-retain each others memories, but it ends up feeling like walking through water. the best way i think i ever ended up describing it is as follows (completely copy-pasted and unedited from a close friends dms when discussing this):
imagine ur in a room. u share this room with other people. sometimes you can access everything in this room (drawers, shelves, closet, etc.) and other times u are locked out of these things. sometimes YOU do the locking. there are also times you or your roommates can lock someone/everyone out of the room entirely. this room also has a window, sometimes the curtain is shut and nothing can be seen inside, and sometimes it is open and you can look through to see everything in it. your roommates come and go, sometimes you dont know their name, and other times you recognize them quite well. sometimes after being locked out, youll find an item you never owned stuck in one of the drawers or in the closet. you assume at this point, it was a roommate of yours who put that there. for Us the curtain to this window is nearly ALWAYS open. we dont have a lot of memory loss, but what ends up happening is we get locked out and have to look through said window to see whats happening.
it rlly depends on the day how bad our confusion n shit is. the other day, King/Deceit woke up completely dizzy and just Knew it would be a blendy confusing dissociation day and it was! which sucked considering we drive for hours for our job so we were super out of it. but whatever. whatever man. gotta buckle up n deal with it i guess.
like. oh god i personally always get this feeling of clarity. ill be sitting in my car doing whatever the fuck and just feel like someone lifted a veil from my eyes. metaphorically not literally. its a feeling rather than an action. but its what happened tonight as well. something just hit me like a bat it was just Oh good god im tord. i have to say something to someone literally anyone before i sleep.
but the issues dont stop there folks cuz now im trying to figure out how to sign off on this and im like fuuck i said i was tord but am i aki? i fucking hate this. i hate being a system. the people here are fine theyre decent okay but like. it really sucks. i hate dissociating. i hate most everything about it. i try to pretend not to care but me and like three others blend together so seamlessly i get so stressed trying to find out if im even my own person!!! i really do wish i was like King cuz id just do what they do and not give a shit about any personal labels and let others decide but. im not him. so fuck my entire life i fucking guess!!
how do you go about finding ur identity again? did i ever have one to begin with? or have i been riding the coattails of my system and saying i had one when i never truly did?
- tord (or aki?). it/its. at least im sure on the pronouns i guess. whatever
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