better

8/02/2025

be better. do better. live better. act better. are you better yet? why aren't you better yet. better. better. better. thats all i hear. its funny how much people, unknowingly or not, guilt you into trying to do so even when you can't.

they'll see someone fall into a depression and lend out an olive branch before snapping it in half with the weight of that simple word. better.

i'm not saying i don't want to be better. i want to feel better. i want to live better. but i can only handle so much. telling someone 'i know you can do better' is not encouragement. its scorn. its shame. you havent even asked if im okay?

i know im a failure, thats what you imply using that phrase on me. i know you can do better. believe me, i know i can do better, but i can't right now. i can't be better in the way you want me to. i know i can get a better job but i'm happy where i am. i know i can do better in school but i can't mentally do that right now. all these expectations you've laid out in front of me with that disgusting phrase.

do better.

i'm doing my best. i can't do "better" right now. i'm sorry, i really am, but this is all i can do for the time being. im sorry i cant be better.

- tord

therapy

7/30/2025

finally was able to get back into therapy. weve been on a waitlist for a while and it was rlly out of blue being called but its good. it feels nice. i talked abt our dissociation, cocsa, as well as some other scattered issues im not going to get into yet. i forget it feels nice to have someone listen. i know its her job, but she really helped put some things in perspective and its only been one session lol... only bad thing is im so... so exhausted partly cause talking abt it makes me dissociate. i was like half present when i finished talking abt everything n she definitely noticed. i was worried with how scattered i was she would ask me to be more structured but she flowed the conversation super nicely, way better than past therapists.

on a semi unrelated note: she recommended an adhd/autism screening (no surprise but it was nice to hear her bring it up without me saying or implying anything... we suspect it so much we pretty much just say we have one or the other) as well as, whenever possible, to make a map of what i do remember to serve as a "trauma timeline" as she jokingly called it. shes nice, i like her and regret forcing us to stop going thanks to my own avoidant issues.

we arent going back to school this year in order to focus on getting better. im still conflicted on if its the right decision but i think itll be for the better. i ended up failing a lot of classes n wasted a lot of money these past two years due to so much but yknow whatever. we need better coping skills and we need to save more money. this will be good i hope.

ill nap now or something. im so tired.

- tord

lazyyy

7/26/2025

not much to say but i needed to write something ugh..... lazed around. drew gay art!!! thats really it! work tomorrow and the day after that! as usual.... so boring... its always so so boring.....

- a bored and tired leader

edit: i lied! i can share the doodles ive made this past month!!! doing anything is a chore but sometimes doodling helps the dread stay away!! i love ignoring my feelings! pictures are in order from oldest to newest!!! click on them and theyll take u to a new tab so u can see em in their full nonstretched glory! ~~~ enjoy enjoy!!!

okay NOW this entry is finished and actually has some substance to it!!!!!! yahoo!

- your less-bored and less-tired-than-before leader

mmo

7/24/2025

waves hello hello heloooooooooo hi!!!!! not much going on. we dont own a windows computer, but i reaaaallllyyyy wanted to play an mmo cuz apparently one of us used to be really into TERA when we were young!! i vaguely know of it.... attempting to remember past things is very hit or miss. anyways. all we can play is ffxiv since we only own a mac laptop, so everyones favorite and fun leader may or May not have taken an edible aaaaannnnnddd played a teensy bit of it last night.

edibles are interesting experiences for us. wont get into that here i guess but ffxiv is fun so far!!!! lookie look!

her name is yomi! made her with olivia.... not Entirely my style but shes cute and olivia was happy so like waves my hands around Yknow

honestly starting an mmo was the last thing we needed. but its fine. everyone here is required to have fun at least once in a while! thats an order from meeee

ohhh i did start girls last tour (manga) so hopefully that review should be coming out soon. its cute so far! im on volume 3 atm. what else what else hmmmmmm OH we got a haircut so now it no longer fits in a ponytail! sad! but its still a bit devilish...... i will allow it!

alrighty i think thats it for sure!!!!!! farewell!!!!

- everyones favorite leader

eating

7/21/2025

was honest for once and told her we were worried about how we were eating. we cant eat without feeling sick. were limited to maybe half a meal a day and lots of water. ended up getting told 'eating less isnt necessarily bad'

and then she wonders why we never tell her anything. why i lie so much and why we act the way we do around her .... both indirectly and directly shes always commenting on our weight or calling us fat!!!!! and honestly we arent overweight at all!!!! oh well. so much for that.

dunno why im sooo surprised everytime one of us tries to be open and we end up with "advice" like that..... ugh. i cant wait for us to get out of here.

-your very kind and loving leader

sign offs

7/19/2025

i should probably start signing off on these huhhh ........................................... hmmmm tilts my head thoughtfully but that would mean defining my name....... and i cant do that! i have to be oh so mysterious~~ and a slate anyone can draw on!!!!! oh whale. can others at least sign off on THEIR POSTS LOOKS IN ANGER AT TWO CERTAIN ENTRIES but actually i dont really care so!!!! bleeehhhhh

hunger 2

7/19/2025

IT WAS THE MEDS FOR SURE!!!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hunger

7/18/2025

i think the meds are repressing our hunger which is fine until i am eating only 1 sandwich and a small bag a chips a day for a week straight erm. i tried to eat more to get back on track because we already toe the line of disordered eating but i ended up making us puke on accident and forced someone to come forward on accident bc i got sooo stressed abouyt it :( sorry

gross.

7/14/2025

they look at me like im something to be pitied and it disgusts me more than comforts me. i tell them the truth. they dont deserve the truth. theyre all over me like parasites pretending to care. you never care once before, you never paid any attention before. in fact, i was ridiculed. you care now? now you care? im gone and suddenly im cared for? get off. get away from me. leeches. disgusting creatures. you never deserved any of it. i hope it follows you for life.

behind

7/14/2025

i used to be ahead of everyone but i kept tripping and falling and now theyre walking on without me.

first.

7/10/2025

hiiiii!! honestly i dunno what to even say ....... i first thought woah we are back on anti depressants! and we are going back to therapy! how fun!!! and theeen i thought ouhhh this miiiight be hard for us to document stuff since we have yknow ...memory....... issues LOLLLLL sooo this could be fun yeah yeah????? yeah!!!!!!

claps hands excitedly okay okay. today we started our first new anti depressant in a year. also we take vitamins now. bleeh what else. uhmmmmmm i worked today and came back home after a week of dogsitting/housesitting.... today was fine and its fine right now i think! ive been playing umamusume (who hasnt been?!) annddd ummmm idk!!!!!!!!!! i might finish some artfight things soon or i might continue drv3 since ive been replaying that .... i dunno i dunnooooooooo

okaayyy im bored. i gotta finish this and also our overall intro ughhhh BORING i dunno why i decided to do this booooo. booooooo. okayyyy bye bye smiles and twirls and waves goodbye